The Biggest Threat to the Planet

The biggest threat to the planet will come in a few billion years when the sun expands and vaporizes the poor thing. I don't know that there is an answer to this. Do we need one? Long before this time it will become uninhabitable for life.

The current biggest threat to life on this planet is mankind, but it's really not that big of a threat. We don't have to technology to finish the job, and life is adaptable. Chernobyl is now home to a thriving ecosystem. Sure, there are the odd mutations, but Life is thriving, as it does in few places on Earth - for the simple reason that people don't go there much anymore.

The biggest threat to mankind is mankind, a much greater threat than to Life, but still... people are so pervasive across the planet that some will survive most anything. I suspect mankind would be reduced to living like animals well before complete annihalation.

The biggest threat to society... now we are getting somewhere, however I don't know where to begin... overpopulation, famine, war, global warming, poverty, disease, pollution... I'm sure that there are a lot of others that aren't springing to my mind. It won't do any good to fix just one or two of these. They are all inter-related. The best we can do is adopt the strategy of someone who has spent well beyond their means and racked up bills on a dozen credit cards. Fix each to the full extent that we must, and if we have anything left over put it on the one that will make make the biggest difference.”

Vanna, Can I Have a Vowel That Isn't Schizoid?

Consider the following lists of words:

(11) Bait, Fate, Hey, Hay, Sleigh, Fillet, Eh, Cache, Brae, Yea, Crazy
(7) Beet, Read, Crete, Brie, Me, Leigh, Key
(10) Bite, By, High, Hi, Height, Tie, Rye, Buy, Eye, Why
(9) Boat, Toe, So, Sew, Sow, Dough, Whoa, Beau, Code
(13) Flute, Glue, Bleu, Flew, Flu, Shoe, To, Too, Two, You, Pooh, Lieu, Queue
(2) Bat, Matte
(3) Bet, Read, Whet,
(3) Bit, Business, Get
(9) Hot, Caught, Bought, Saw, Awe, Ah, Father, Yacht, Gone
(5) But, Blood, Love, What, Of
(2) Book, Should
(5) Cow, Couch, Drought, Sauerkraut, Route
(3) Boy, Boil, Freud

That is 82 ways to make 13 vowel sounds!  And, I think that all but two of you, like me, are thinking this is a bit unreasonable.  One of you, the linguist, is frowning, "you missed a few vowel sounds, and jumbled another two together."  To this I reply, "I'm just a concerned layman who is sick of this goofy language, and I never said this was a comprehensive list.  And those two sound the same, here on the west coast."  The other one, the etymologist, is trying to justify this madness with something like, "These alternate spellings help to identify the origin of the words and their meanings."  Which sounds good and all, but, "Mr. Fancypants word doctor, take a look at the next lists of words and tell me, with a straight face, that you aren't just trying to mess with our heads!"

Crazy, Batty, Walk
Love, Gone, Code
To, So, Of, Hot
Eight, Height, Leigh
Boo, Blood, Book

I could do more, if I wasn't tired of highlighting.  Am I the only one who thinks that we could have a more literate society if we made the effort to clean this stuff up?

Do It For The Children

I believe in positive change over tradition.  I believe that systems should be made as simple and intuitive as possible, to free up brain-power for more important things.  I believe it is wise to pay a larger cost upfront if it will give you long term benefits.  I believe that if people are following a screwy system, just because that is the way it has always been done, it is time for a change.

America, bite the bullet and switch over to the metric system already.  Consider that the rest of the developed world may be on to something here.  Yes, it means that we're going to have to convert all of our favorite recipes, and start reading those little numbers on the inside of the speedometer.  But the children of tomorrow will have an easier time in math and science, and our society will benefit in the long run.  We're not going to maintain our superpower status if we keep handicapping ourselves like this.  The US needs to start looking further than four years into the future and start making some sound long term decisions.

Ok, I know that I lost some of you with the metric system endorsement, and what I am about to suggest is going to ruffle even more feathers.  So I'm going to ask you to suspend your prejudices for a short while and consider the effect that the change I will describe will have on the future.

The English language is an monster made by committee, both in it's grammar and it's spelling.  For any way of doing something, there are exceptions when it should be done another way, and exceptions to those exceptions.  I believe it is time to make some rules - as consistent and as simple as possible, and stick to them!  Kids should not have to spend twelve years learning the intricacies of spelling and grammar.  Simplify!  If the rules were consistent, kids would be able to spell any word by the time they were in second grade.  Grammar would take a bit longer, but with consistent rules it would be understood much faster than it is now.  And all of this opens up time for English teachers to focus more on vocabulary and effective writing skills.

The two biggest things we can do to improve the education system are to adopt the metric system and a streamlined English language.

Knowledge vs Action

Which is more important, knowledge or action?  Allow me to run hypothetical a dining scenerio a few different ways to help unravel this conundrum. In each, we have gone out to lunch together to discuss business.

(Knowledge without action) I am hyper-observant, noticing every detail of the restaurant. Of the eight tables in this section of the restauraunt, two others are occupied. The first has a group of five, three women and two men. They are all well dressed, and appear to be coworkers on their lunch hour. Two of the women are eating their salads, and the other three have soup. At the second table, a man and a woman are seated. They are both nearly finished with their main dishes, veal and a seafood dish, respectively. From the way that the man is nervously fingering a small box under the table, it appears that he is about to propose. Our food arrives. You have a steaming bowl of clam chowder, with chunks of clam, potatoes, and the corner of a bandaid sticking out of the middle. I have a caesars salad, with the obligitory cheese and bacon sprinkles. Moments after you take your first bite, you spit the bandaid out and begin to gag...

(Action without knowledge) God I've got to pee! My feet are tapping up and down under the table as I silently curse, "Why did we have to pick a d*mn restaurant that doesn't have a public bathroom?!" My fingers are tapping along to Viva la Vida as I nod along to whatever you are saying. Our food arrives, and I begin shoveling it in as quick as I can, so we can pay and go. Meanwhile, you spit out the bandaid from your soup and begin to gag...

(Knowledge with action) Finally, we get a combination where I observe the bandaid in your soup and mention it to you before you stick it in your mouth. We make a large scene, and manage to get a free meal out of the deal. Unfortunately we spoil the moment for the poor soul about to propose at the next table, but you can't have everything.

Lessons:
1) Action & knowledge work best when used together.
2) You should pay more attention to your food.

Time for a Change

As we near the final year in the Mayan calendar, I am reminded of all of the beefs that I have with our Gregorian calendar.  First and foremost, is anyone else bothered by the fact that the Gregorian calendar is basically the same as the Julian calendar, with just a couple tweeks?  I mean, it wasn't that long ago historically that the Gregorian calendar was made, and it seems to me that if you have to make some changes you do it up proper, instead of just putting a little duct tape here and there to make it hang together a bit nicer. 

Furthermore, moving the starting year of the Roman calendar to celebrate Jesus's birth is just weird.  I mean, they weren't exactly his biggest fans.  I think the Romans have had enough influence, already.  They were a megalomaniac society, and I don't think that they should be rewarded by everyone observing their calendar.  And their naming of the months is just plain plain idiotic.  I mean think about September, October, November, December:

Sept = 7 and September is the ninth month of the year.
Oct = 8 and October is the tenth month of the year

Nov = 9, Dec = 10.  The Roman society put to death anyone who attempted to teach higher math, and it shows.  They couldn't even count to twelve without making a mistake!

Another problem I have is the number of days in the months.  Why does February only have 28 days, already?  You shouldn't have to say a rhyme to figure out how many days there are in the month.  It's just silly.  And I don't like the days of the week moving around from month to month.  That's just sloppy.

So what are we supposed to do, you ask?  Are we just supposed to rip up our calendars and start from scratch?

I'm glad you asked, and yes.

I created a quick factorial calculator in Excel, and there is one number that jumps out as the clear choice to solve some of these issues, but there is a snag.  A small snag, but a snag nevertheless.  It only works with a six day week.  Now, I just performed a survey in my mind, and one day came out as a frontrunner to get the axe.  Nobody really likes Mondays anyway.  Let's just drop that day from the week, and move on.  This brings Tuesday to it's proper place as the second day of the week - remember what I said about those Romans and math?

This makes an easy transition to a 30 day month, five weeks in that month, and six days in that week.  Every month can now begin properly on a Sunday, giving rise to a whole new time to celebrate - the monthend weekend.  It could be a time for getting together and being merry.

Now stop looking at me with those squinty eyes.  I know what you're thinking.  Thirty times twelve is only 360.  What happens to those other 5-6 days?

Those days will have to exist on their own.  It could be kind of a year end holiday where people dance in the streets and throw pickles in the air.  Now, the days of this holiday would have to exist outside of the normal week structure, or the whole monthend weekend thing goes out the window, and these unique days would have to have names that are easy to remember, as they only come up one time a year.  I suggest that they be named Thumbsday, Indexday, Middleday, Ringday, Pinkyday, and every leapyear there could be an Otherthumbsday.

Another change.  I think that having the year begin on the first day of Spring would be much more meaningful that some arbitrary day in the middle of winter.  Year 1 could start in the Spring of 2013, changing the Mayan end of the world thing to more of the beginning of a new and improved calendar.

The last order of business is to change the names of the months.  I think that it's pretty conceited for Caesar and Augustus to have thier own months, and naming the others after old gods that nobody worships anymore, and numbers that don't even make sense.. I think it's time to be progressive and step things up a bit.  So here are a few suggestions for month names.

Ghandiary - No wars are allowed during this month.  Give peace a chance.
Teresary - A month to think about what you can do to make the world a better place.
Shalhouber - Because he was awesome in "Monk".
Cheese - Because it is yummy.

Mr. Multz at the Grocery Store

Sir!!  Do you work here?

Why, yes, I do.  How can I help you today?

 I have an issue with this loaf of bread.  I purchased it here last week.

(Mr. Multz holds up a bread bag with only one slice left in it.)

  Okay....

(Grocer examines the mostly empty bag of bread.)

 Umm...  What was wrong with it?

It was a slice short!

 Excuse me?

 Are you deaf man!  The loaf of bread was a slice short!  This brand of bread always has twenty slices, which works well for making sandwiches.  Except this time.  This loaf is missing a slice!

Are you certain it didn't have an extra slice in it.  You know, like a baker's dozen.  Although I guess this would be more like a baker's score...

 Oh, I am certain.  I always make two sandwiches a day - one for now and one for later.  I opened the bag five days ago, and it is later, which means this loaf is a slice short.

Are you certain someone else didn't else didn't make a half sandwich?

 A what?

 A half sandwich.  You know, you fold a single slice in half and you make a sandwich that way.

 I live alone.

And you never have a slice of toast in the morning?  With butter and jam?  Nothing starts the day like a slice of toast.

Not during this time of year.  And when I have toast, I always make two slices.  It's a waste of electricity to only make one slice!

How about chilli?  Because when I eat chilli, I like to use a slice of bread, lightly buttered, to mop up the juice at the bottom of the bowl.

 My stomach can't handle chilli.  Now, what I want to know, is what are you going to do about this loaf of bread?

 Do you have your receipt?

 Why on Earth would I save the receipt for a loaf of bread?

 In case you found something wrong with it, like say, it was missing a slice.

 Are you mocking me, sir!

Sorry, just trying to break the tension.

What are you going to do about this loaf of bread?!?

 Let's see.  $4.00 a loaf by 20 slices...  20 cents a slice...

(Fishes in pocket for change)

 How about a quarter?

   I'll take it.

 Sorry for the inconvineance, but I really have something I have to get to.

 I understand.  So long.

(Grocer heads to the breakroom.)

 Gary, are you up for a half sandwich today?

 Sure!  Thanks.

The Greatest Gourmet Sweedish Chef In Buccaneer Bay

Yet another song parody - this one to tune of The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by Don Raye and Hughie Prince, covered by The Andrew Sisters, Bette Midler, and many others.

He was a famous Sweedish chef upon a ship to Brazil
He made the meanest meatballs spiced with savory and dill
He was the best chef in his field
But then some pirates came along and now he's making their meals
He's with the pirates now
He's baking swill souffle
He's the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

They made him boil seaweed for the crew to eat
It really brought him down because they had no meat
The captain seemed to want a treat
For the next day captain commandeered a fishing fleet
And now the buccaneers cheer, and scarf flounder flambe
He's the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

A root, a toot, a ladle in his boot
He bakes them grog-lemon beans
So have no worries
For although they make a flatulant team
They prevent scurvy
And now the buccaneers cheer, as they eat shark fillet
He's the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

He was the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay
And when he made his greatest gourmet dishes
He was spicy as a salty spray
And when he made those meals the buccaneers ate all night and day
He's the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

Lickupa lickitylipa lickitylipa lick lick
They dined all night and all day
On mackrel chowder and oyster-lime puree
They got no scurvy
And those buccaneers cheer for their swordfish souflee
He's the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

He fills those bucker's bellies with goodies every night
And they gobble down some more in the early bright
They raise their grog and lick their plates
And they'll be coming back for thirds before it gets too late
Arr arr they cheer for him at the end of the day
For that greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

A sip, a slurp a sat-is-fying burp burp burp
Those pirates once thrived on risk
Now they dine in style on grapefruit lobster bisque
Say - so long - scurvy
And those buccaneers cheer for their pirate buffet
And the greatest gourmet Sweedish chef in Buccaneer Bay

It's Alive

Here is another song parody. 
This one is written to Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive".

First I had a head
It was mummified
Then I dipped it in some goo
And made it grow a thousand times
And when I stitched it on a body
And I chased away the flies
It blinked it's eyes
Orbs of enormous size

And then it turned
It winked at me
I jumped up into the air
And danced with scientific glee
Then I looked down and realized
There was work yet left to do
It was missing both it's legs
I needed legs
I needed glue

Go hunchback go!
Into the night!
It needs some legs now
It needs some legs to make it right
That hunchback returned
With legs muscular and big
I sewed them on
The beast got up and danced a jig

Now it's alive!
Yes it's alive!
It's a monolithic monster
With super powers
And it's mine
It needs electricity
And scientific remedies
But it's alive
Yes it's alive

Oh...
I spent my entire life
In ridicule
I was called a maniac
And an egocentric fool
I suffered jeers and fears of ignorance
I was scorned with despise
But now - I am on the rise

My theory's true
And I am free
I'm not locked up in that rubber room
Like you thought I aught to be
And now I stand vindicated
By a monster big and mean
Now look who's fooling who
And who's pants are full of pee

Go hunchback go
Into the night
It needs some turtle wax
To make it's scales so shiny bright
They'll try to bring it down
With automatic guns
Bombs and laser beams
My monster's gonna have some fun

Cause it's alive!
Yes it's alive!
It's a monolithic monster
With super powers and it's mine
It needs electricity
And some extra TLC
Cause it's alive
Yes it's alive

Go hunchback go
Into the night
It needs plutonium
To feed it's monster appetite
They'll try to bring it down
With automatic guns
Tanks and air-o-planes
My monster's gonna have some fun

Cause it's alive!
Yes it's alive!
It's a monolithic monster
With super powers and it's mine
And with electricity
It'll bring this city to it's knees
Cause it's alive
Yes it's alive

It's alive!
Bwaaa haaa haaa, haa haa ha, ooo oo

Baby Rug Glue

 I am pleased to introduce our newest product - Thompson and Thompson Baby Rug Glue!  This revolutionary new product not only has terriffic properties with both natural and synthetic fiber carpets, it also bonds quickly and strongly to babies!  Here to discuss the usefulness of this product is Nancy, a day care worker from our clinical trials group who has been using baby rug glue for the past six months.

You have no idea how wonderful baby rug glue is!  I used to pull my hair out caring for six or eight kids at a time - what with their running around and screaming and running around and crying and running around and tearing the house apart.  Now I just glue the little buggers to the floor.  Oh, they still scream and cry, but now I can go outside, have a cigarette, and I don't have to put up with it.

Sounds good.... 

Not only that, but thanks to baby rug glue I can now watch forty five kids at a time.  I've got them stuck in the living room, the bedroom, down the hall... I've even got two stuck to the welcome mat!  I used to drive an old Hyundai, but now I'm sporting around town in my new BMW.  I'm thinking of carpeting a warehouse, so I can expand operations even more.

So baby rug glue has put you on the fast track to success.

You have no idea!  And I have so much more time to myself.  Once you stick 'em to the floor, you can do anything and not have to worry about them getting into mischief.  I can go shopping, to the movies, anything!  I just have to make sure I'm home before the parents arrive.

How do the parents feel about baby rug glue?

Well, you know, there are a lot of people who don't have the vision to embrace technological progress...  And it's not always easy to tell which way they will react...  That's why I just throw blankets over the kids and tell the parents it's nap time.

Say, does anyone in the audience have a baby with them so we can have a demonstration?  Anyone at all?  You.  In the front row.  Is that a baby you are trying to hide under your jacket?

No.  It's my purse.

Riiiight.  Why don't you bring your "purse" up here so we can do a demonstration?

I'd really rather not....

Oh, come on!  We really have your best interests at hand.  Don't you ever worry that your baby will get into the Drain-O or rat poison when you're not looking?

I child protect my cupboards.

Like that really works.  Children are born safe-crackers.  They can get into anything they set their minds to.

You know, I once had a kid get his head stuck behind the toilet.  It took two jars of Vasoline and over an hour to pry him out, and he still needed to have his ear sewn back on!


It's time for a word from our sponsor - Thompson and Thompson!  See you in just a couple short minutes!